Rumination #6 Be Helpful Whenever You Can

Helpfulness comes in various forms and degrees. Some people are given to random acts of kindness, others can always be relied upon to stand by and support their friends and family. There are some who go out of the way to help others in a manner that can only be termed as angelic. I have the great honour of knowing quite a few such angels. To share a few instances of the extraordinary acts of such friends of mine:

Many years ago, a friend took in a young boy from an underprivileged background; she fed him, clothed him, educated him in the same manner that she did her own kids. She hoped to provide him with all the opportunities a bright boy like him deserved. Just to be clear, she did not do this because of any empty spaces in her life.

Another friend voluntarily offers financial help to any of her friends and family whenever she senses the need to do so. One such thing that she did was to decide to give financial help to a friend because she thought it might be a stretch for the lady to worry about the recurring school fees of her child.

There is this gentleman who did everything he possibly could to assist an aged, lonely and almost abandoned neighbour. He never failed to respond to her need, regardless of how busy he was. It is important to mention that with time, all her friends and most of her relatives have stopped keeping in touch with her.  

What do you think happened in each instance? The boy who my friend took in, turned around one day, accused her of thwarting his dreams of becoming a Bollywood dancer and ran away. The one who is still paying the school fees, has been questioning her decision as she has seen the parent in professed need blithely go out and buy the best of clothes, shoes and accessories. The gentleman who helps the neighbour, is constantly plagued by the lady for the most absurd things at any odd hour while she manages to successfully handle all situations with other firmer or less considerate people. As you can well imagine, doubt and bitterness coloured the hearts of these three angels because of these experiences.


I am sure each of you have similar anecdotes about people you personally know, some of you may even be the kind of angels I am referring to. It’s not that those who help are unaware of the dynamics being so skewed, they are. Such people are serial helpers and have faced the most undesirable outcome time and time again. A few get their fingers burnt so many times that they resort to going against their nature and not helping people ever again.


Not every person who receives help is ungrateful. In some relationships, the give and take, is so frequent that it turns into a soul to soul connection. Random acts of kindness and the occasional helping hand are what go around and come back in the form of some blessing from above, they are in any case carried out with no expectations. It is the extraordinary ones that often backfire and hurt or irritate the ones who offer help.


In my opinion, the fault is as much of those who help as it is of those who take ingratitude to its extreme. Maybe they ought to have handled the whole thing differently. Two possible solutions to bring some sort of balance to the dynamics, come to mind. In order to be decent about it, they do not begin by being entirely candid with those whom they help or are too hasty in offering their support. The helpful neighbour could have begun by occasionally letting the lady know when he was busy and told her that he would need some time.


Next, those who help should consider finding ways to help people become self-reliant. The old adage about teaching people to fish is something one must always remember. In all probability those who help, do so because of the environment at home, out of a compelling sense of duty, because of a deep seated and very human need to be thought of as nice or some other wholly justifiable reason. In doing this, they make it a habit to keep doing instead of showing how. A dependency ensues and can at times, feel like a thorn.


Honestly speaking, it can be bothersome to show or teach people how to do something. It is much easier to quickly do something for someone and then get back to one’s own preoccupations, duties and tasks. The skewed dynamics between the helper and recipient begin early on, grow and fester with time. The effort of showing someone is actually far less when measured against the strain and negative feelings that arise out of perpetually helping someone to the point of feeling exasperated or changing from the very core.


My plea to all helpful souls: Don’t ever stop being the angels you are, do consider changing the way you help people.


Postscript: I have had long discussions with the three people mentioned in this post, what they had to say is so thought provoking and motivating that it has inspired me to write another post on helpfulness, a sort of an addendum.

Rumination #5 Handle Backlash

We spend every second of our life making choices or living out the consequences of a choice made in the recent or distant past. Choices are made when we decide to turn in late or wake up early, have something from the regular range of meals in the household or try something different for a change, we choose to keep to ourselves on some days and reach out to people on others, we opt to buckle under pressure and graduate in a certain stream or qualify in an area that only our heart, instinct or an impulse guides us toward. We select the sort of partner or career path we do, because of pressure; or, we make a choice without any outside influence. We make a choice even when we are entirely passive.


Every choice we make, even the smallest of ones, has a consequence that we may or may not have bargained for. Being dressed up will most likely get us a lot of attention, that indulgent snack may give us a feeling of discomfort, taking our own sweet time will cause delay and, following online maps blindly will often make us go around in dizzying circles!

Then, there are the ones that bear a long-term impact on our life. That engineering course we went for because of familial pressure or just to please daddy may leave us with a lifetime of feeling that we would have had a better life had we become a journalist, like we really wanted to. The high-profile job we took is demanding and steals all our time and energy, leaving us resentful. That simple and docile partner we chose as a life mate, may arouse a craving for a great deal more. The list goes on.


Every now and then, we choose without really thinking everything through only to find that some of our choices result in an overwhelming backlash. We then spend time feeling sorry for ourselves. As is human nature, we ponder upon this and other miserable aspects of our life and try to figure out why? Inevitably, we find that it’s because of what someone else did or did not do, because God has forsaken us, because we did something terrible in our previous life, because we were born under an unlucky star, or because we neglected to follow a certain ritual that would have definitely pleased God and changed our fortune. We will tell ourselves anything but have the fortitude to take responsibility for the equal and opposite reactions to the choices we make. 


It’s clear that it is ideal to think things through and then think again before making any choices about the important things in life. Perhaps some of us need to create a check list of sorts to help us deliberate, as opposed to over-thinking when faced with choices about important matters. This might even save us from the possibility of growing old and grey by the time we are done with thinking things through. Some of the questions we can have in the checklist could be:

• ·        Do I really need to do this?
• ·        Does it really matter?
• ·        Will it change my life for the better?
• ·        Is it aligned to my goals?
• ·        Is there an unmanageable downside?
• ·        Do I have the time and space to see it through?
• ·        Will it impact my finances in any way?
• ·        Will my loved ones be affected by it?

Even though I am writing about this, I know that I will continue to give in to impulses and make bad choices based on haste or lack of sound reason. We have been told since our childhood to look before we leap, yet we go right ahead and ignore this golden rule all too often. The consequential distress, depression or agony plagues us for some period or the rest of our lives.


 Is that how it’s supposed to be? We chose unwisely or without much thought, we made a mistake and so we suffer? Is that a part of life?  I disagree most emphatically!  There is a way to handle this ‘backlash of our bad choices’ thing: we man up and take responsibility for the unforeseen or unimagined outcome of all our choices. If we take responsibility for the effects of our bad choices, our minds and hearts will be lighter. Dealing with it, in a manner of speaking, is choosing happiness, something that’s mentioned in the previous post.

Being responsible for our own actions is perhaps the toughest of all responsibilities. It requires a great deal of strength to admit our own shortcomings, that’s why we try lying to ourselves. We may be the savviest of fibbers and even convince our superficial selves to believe that the fault isn’t ours. Deep down inside, somewhere in the depth of our heart and the back alleys of the mind, we always know the fault is ours. If we face it and deal with it, we will be so much more at peace with ourselves, a soothing stillness will replace the inner turmoil.

I must mention that it is counterproductive to weigh the pros and cons of every single choice we have to make. The thinking deeply through should be exclusively for important things. Also, worth mentioning is the fact that not every unplanned or impulsive action results in a minor or major backlash, a few even give us much reason to rejoice.

Rumination #4 - Happiness is a Choice

We are given to dwelling upon the things that are wrong in our lives and either feeling quite like a hero for having endured such pain or like a victim. The sad story of our life defines everything we do and say and colours our very being in dark shades. It is true that some lives are filled with tremendously tragic incidents or circumstances; however, the quality of our life is determined by how we deal with adversity.

We may feel sad and depressed because we realise that we do not have too many real friends. All the people we invest so much time on, are just fair-weather friends who are so wrapped up in themselves that they never ever extend themselves for us. Almost all of us come to a point where this reality hits us – a juncture in our lives when we realise that we have some fair-weather friends. From then on, we have choices and the most obvious ones are: We walk away and make our circle smaller, feel embittered about friendships in general; continue with the relationships but nurture ill feelings and distrust, feel embittered; reduce our circle and spend our time and effort with only those who are true friends; make new friends and take care this time to choose sincere people who offer us what we truly seek. The last two are options that will make us happy but might need us to make some effort, not to mention acknowledging the fact that we may be as much to blame as the other party or parties.

The instances of people being unhappy in a marriage or relationship are incalculable. It’s almost as if people get into relationships and marital alliances and then work towards being unhappy and keep complaining or feel heroic for suffering in silence. I think the first mistake is not choosing prudently and rushing into things because we are desperate or under pressure from people in our lives. The next mistake is something I mentioned in my first and second post; we do not start in a sustainable manner. Then, there are those who feel compromising is a part of a successful relationship and those who keep waiting for that day when the partner will suddenly wake up and see the light of day. Obviously, avoiding all the things I have just mentioned are keys to happy relationships; however, so are levelling at the first signs of unhappiness and having the guts to end things if required. Failing all this, one needs to accept the responsibility of having allowed oneself to be in the bad situation and then make the best of it, this may not lead to a state of bliss but, will certainly lead to a less stressful life.

People tend to do a similar thing with the jobs they have; they choose to be unhappy. A clear understanding of reality and the limitations each of us have, would lead to less stress. I am not, for a minute, suggesting that one should always be happy, no matter what. I am suggesting that we should have clarity on what is actually wrong, see what we can do about it, make changes where possible and live with what we have until change is possible. Another thing, change takes place when we initiate it – others are not all that concerned with what plagues us and no amount of prayer will bring about magical change. The only thing we can change is ourselves. Find that job, take on that challenge, find an alternative career, work on your areas of improvement, stand up to that bully. If everything fails, deal with it!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I sometimes go to great lengths to avoid people who are persistently unhappy. They send out the most distressing vibes which I do not take much pleasure in being around.  An observation I have made is that unhappy people are usually more annoyed than those who choose happiness. According to them they are always the victim and never deserved such a raw deal. So you add snap and blame to the whine and the mix is too repulsive for words. Unfortunately, we do not tell chronic whiners why we keep them at arm’s length. Nor do we make people aware of the pitfalls of revelling in self pity and unhappiness when they begin to head that way. Perhaps, if we did, it would save the situation.

I have personally experienced anger or anguish triggering aches and pains and joy the reverse.  When in an extreme situation of stress, I listen to music – that is my elixir. Everyone has something, if not a few things, that can alleviate their spirit, identifying it and using it to one’s advantage is often the first step in facing adversity with ones chin up. Choosing to be unhappy is unhealthy for our body and mind. Genuine happiness is a choice that sometimes needs great effort but is definitely worth it. How wonderful it would be if all of us worked towards being the sort of people who radiate such happiness that it infects others with peace and joy.

A word of caution, being the eternal clown or jokester is no indication of happiness, it is viewed as insufferable by many.

Rumination #3 Embrace Divergence

We are all undeniably, creatures of habit, some of us more than others. From using a particular piece of crockery or cutlery for our everyday meals, opting to sit on the same chair, wearing certain kinds of clothes, visiting certain types of places, to feeling connected to a particular sort of people. We may eventually get over it, but most of us are uncomfortable with or around that which is different. Some of us even go so far as to almost condemn those whose choices in simple things like food and style are not within our self-defined norms. We are prisoners, in a manner of speaking, of our own choices and ways.

While things like having your tea or coffee in the same mug or cup till breakage does you part, is harmless, we do miss out on a great deal when our circle has only certain kind of people and when we find only certain perspectives and behaviours to be acceptable. The most obvious benefit of getting to know different types of people is having a wider circle of friends and acquaintances. Spending time with people who are different widens our horizon and gives us insight into a range of perspectives. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy having the luxury of a choice when we want to have a good time or a range of people to turn to in times of trouble?

Most organisations and businesses work in teams and place much importance on teamwork. Teams are not just about getting along and being in a harmonious environment, they are one facet of the work environment where differences can be enormously advantageous. People with a technical bent of mind are often a little wanting in being expressive or being too social; someone who is analytical may not be too creative and so on and so forth. All such skills come into play in the workplace and most functions need each kind at some time or the other. What if we embrace and cherish different skills and mindsets at work and use the resources on hand? How smart is it when a creative person seeks the input of an analyst when she/he/them needs to present data and facts? If people from marketing and sales turn to manufacturing and production staff to work together towards a common goal, there is the obvious advantage of near absence of interdepartmental friction and possibly, shorter and fewer meetings too. It’s all about not focussing on the difference but embracing it instead to work as a whole.

There are some who are so different that many of us can hardly comprehend what they have to say. They speak in words and phrases that are so esoteric that we doubt whether they themselves fully understand what they just said. What might escape us is the fact that it is because of this different perspective that they come up with unique and sometimes astonishing work. To my experience, people in the creative field are often like this. That amazing photograph of a single fallen leaf or just a drop of water, was the perspective of a creative and different mind. Outstanding works of the arts and literature are the product of viewing things differently. This is not limited to just the arts and literature; we would probably still believe that the earth is flat had someone not been different. All those who have received awards and been celebrated in various fields, have a different approach to their work. Being different and putting that difference to good use leads to success. Often this requires a great deal of courage and inner strength; could that be because the rest of us are repelled by ‘different’?

I feel that the area where differences make the largest impact is in our faith, political views, life choices and value systems. It’s not unusual for us to feel completely put off or even annoyed with someone because they have beliefs and convictions that are not like ours; I am not speaking of extreme views, just different. In my opinion, these things are personal and need to be respected. I don’t know anyone who is ashamed of their faith or life choices or political views or value system. Thus, one can easily assume that each of us want and need to be respected for them; however, when someone has a varying view, opinion or belief – our reaction can be anything between passive rejection and aggressive assertions.

I am pretty sure that I am not saying anything new, in fact, it can be viewed as trite. Scores of thinkers and artists have expressed the very same point of view so many times, that it is impossible to put a number to it. The problem is, we have not changed and have still to display any true intentions of doing so. As I write this piece, the song that’s playing in my head is one by a very famous singer from one of the most popular British bands: we haven’t imagined his message in its entirety yet.

Want it to last? Begin Correctly

All of us have been through situations where the interpersonal dynamics seemed to be going smoothly or even exceedingly well; and then, suddenly, things go horribly wrong and a seemingly perfect aspect of our life turns nightmarish. The question is, did the dream like thing suddenly turn sour or was there something amiss all along. The likelihood of one side not having started correctly, in the seemingly wonderful part of the relationship, is very high.

For example, you have a friend whom you take as sensitive or emotional because life has knocked her/him/them around more than is usual. You decide to give him/her/them lots of latitude, bend over backwards so often that you find yourself striking that pose whenever you are with this friend. I would imagine you even enjoy being so virtuous, giving and perhaps even the consequent dependency the friend has developed towards you. There comes a time when life throws up something that has you focusing only on the personal matter and you just do not have space for anyone or anything else. The dependent, perhaps demanding, friend turns to you but you, for the first time ever, shut the friend out. Not only will the friendship end, the friend is likely to react in the most unpleasant, even childish way and that will be that. I am not sure whether the friend is entirely to blame, since years or even decades you let him/her/them feel as if you are always available and accommodating.

Even in the workplace one frequently tolerates the oppressive or overly demanding behaviour of a superior or a colleague just to be appreciated or for the next promotion or something like that. This continues until we cannot take it anymore and also find that we have not really gained as much as we thought we would. So, we quit or at the very least, start behaving differently and end up being labelled as a trouble monger. I wonder whose fault it really is when this happens, the superior or the colleague never really knew about the reservations or objections we had to certain things, our current protests and refusals are bound to be viewed as sudden rebellion. What if we had voiced our objections or concerns right at the beginning? Why did we put up with the unreasonable demands?

We all have that one (at least) relative who is manipulative, has too many whims and fancies, throws tantrums or is just downright rude and selfish. We endure it, maybe for the sake of our parents, sibling or spouse. Sometimes, this endless relenting leads to exasperation that manifests itself overtly or covertly. In a culture such as ours, it is hard to exercise the choice of distancing ourselves from that annoying relative. I wonder if relenting all the time is the only way to maintain a good relationship with our relatives.

In a romantic relationship, this happens even more. You are attracted to a person and it appears so is she/he/them. It’s not unusual for one or the other person to put up with a couple of things that are unacceptable to them. It’s possible that the one who is tolerating the unacceptable trait or behaviour does this out of an imagined sense of obligation, a craving to have a lover or because of social, familial or peer pressure. It could even be out of a feeling that patience will pay off and that, eventually the partner will change. Years go by but the equation remains the same, the unacceptable behaviour continues and the patience of the one tolerating it wears thin, extremely thin. Eventually, things snap and break, now the world and its brother become aware of the supposed oppression. My take is, it was never an oppression – the person tolerating whatever behaviour or trait didn’t once speak up. He/them she began in a manner which was unsustainable and, had certainly not thought things through.

The key is to begin as we intend to or are capable of continuing. Often, people are nasty with us because we have let them be that way. I think it’s a good idea for each of us to first figure out what our boundaries are, mull over them and be certain of what we genuinely can accept and what we cannot. Once this is done and we remind ourselves that any relationship cannot work on trial and error, the courage to speak up and level with others that matter, will come quite easily to us. All facets of our life can easily swing from ‘let’s see’ to ‘this is how it has to be’.

It is important to mention that there is a percentage of people who do not seem to mind the imbalance in any given relationship. I doubt if they feel hurt or annoyed or reach a breaking point. They are, in some ways, happier than those of us who do. The reason for this is probably, conditioning that leads them to a sort of immunity. There was a time when their plight made me anxious and I felt the urge to ‘awaken’ them; however, over the years I have realised that it bothers only me and if they are truly happy – Amen to that.