Rumination #4 - Happiness is a Choice

We are given to dwelling upon the things that are wrong in our lives and either feeling quite like a hero for having endured such pain or like a victim. The sad story of our life defines everything we do and say and colours our very being in dark shades. It is true that some lives are filled with tremendously tragic incidents or circumstances; however, the quality of our life is determined by how we deal with adversity.

We may feel sad and depressed because we realise that we do not have too many real friends. All the people we invest so much time on, are just fair-weather friends who are so wrapped up in themselves that they never ever extend themselves for us. Almost all of us come to a point where this reality hits us – a juncture in our lives when we realise that we have some fair-weather friends. From then on, we have choices and the most obvious ones are: We walk away and make our circle smaller, feel embittered about friendships in general; continue with the relationships but nurture ill feelings and distrust, feel embittered; reduce our circle and spend our time and effort with only those who are true friends; make new friends and take care this time to choose sincere people who offer us what we truly seek. The last two are options that will make us happy but might need us to make some effort, not to mention acknowledging the fact that we may be as much to blame as the other party or parties.

The instances of people being unhappy in a marriage or relationship are incalculable. It’s almost as if people get into relationships and marital alliances and then work towards being unhappy and keep complaining or feel heroic for suffering in silence. I think the first mistake is not choosing prudently and rushing into things because we are desperate or under pressure from people in our lives. The next mistake is something I mentioned in my first and second post; we do not start in a sustainable manner. Then, there are those who feel compromising is a part of a successful relationship and those who keep waiting for that day when the partner will suddenly wake up and see the light of day. Obviously, avoiding all the things I have just mentioned are keys to happy relationships; however, so are levelling at the first signs of unhappiness and having the guts to end things if required. Failing all this, one needs to accept the responsibility of having allowed oneself to be in the bad situation and then make the best of it, this may not lead to a state of bliss but, will certainly lead to a less stressful life.

People tend to do a similar thing with the jobs they have; they choose to be unhappy. A clear understanding of reality and the limitations each of us have, would lead to less stress. I am not, for a minute, suggesting that one should always be happy, no matter what. I am suggesting that we should have clarity on what is actually wrong, see what we can do about it, make changes where possible and live with what we have until change is possible. Another thing, change takes place when we initiate it – others are not all that concerned with what plagues us and no amount of prayer will bring about magical change. The only thing we can change is ourselves. Find that job, take on that challenge, find an alternative career, work on your areas of improvement, stand up to that bully. If everything fails, deal with it!

I don’t know about anyone else, but I sometimes go to great lengths to avoid people who are persistently unhappy. They send out the most distressing vibes which I do not take much pleasure in being around.  An observation I have made is that unhappy people are usually more annoyed than those who choose happiness. According to them they are always the victim and never deserved such a raw deal. So you add snap and blame to the whine and the mix is too repulsive for words. Unfortunately, we do not tell chronic whiners why we keep them at arm’s length. Nor do we make people aware of the pitfalls of revelling in self pity and unhappiness when they begin to head that way. Perhaps, if we did, it would save the situation.

I have personally experienced anger or anguish triggering aches and pains and joy the reverse.  When in an extreme situation of stress, I listen to music – that is my elixir. Everyone has something, if not a few things, that can alleviate their spirit, identifying it and using it to one’s advantage is often the first step in facing adversity with ones chin up. Choosing to be unhappy is unhealthy for our body and mind. Genuine happiness is a choice that sometimes needs great effort but is definitely worth it. How wonderful it would be if all of us worked towards being the sort of people who radiate such happiness that it infects others with peace and joy.

A word of caution, being the eternal clown or jokester is no indication of happiness, it is viewed as insufferable by many.