These are the words of the friend who helped the young boy who eventually ran away to follow his dreams of becoming a Bollywood dancer:
I have always believed that if I can uplift one individual from an economically lower background, that one individual can uplift his family into better circumstances. Not all my experiences have been successful, but even then, I am happy for I did the best that I could. I would like to share my most recent experience.
There is a 20-year-old girl from a nomadic tribe who came to Pune when she was in the 8th standard to complete her education. She stayed with her uncle who made her pay her way through school doing odd jobs, which was very creditable.
After her 10th board exams she came to us as she had nowhere to stay. I promised to educate her and got her into Garware junior college; she was back to studies and helping with some light housework as any family member would. As the days passed, I noticed a change in her behaviour. She wouldn’t come home on time, was in a hurry to leave home at 6:30 am for a 7:15 lecture (we are a 10 min walk from the college). I questioned her and never got a reply, only silence. My instinct told me what was happening, but I too remained silent.
Finally, this year she completed her 12th. That is when I told her that she would no longer be going to regular college and that I would enroll her into an external programme. She didn’t say much but asked for a cellphone. Made sense as the study material is sent via email. Little did I know this would be the start of trouble. That was the beginning of her moping, sulking and losing weight. Her family thought of black magic but I waited for her to confess that she had a boyfriend.
As it turned out, she had been seeing this boy from the time she joined Junior College. She used to go to his house and to so called picnic spots with him! I was shell shocked at the change in focus in this girl and how devious she had become. Today she doesn’t want to study, (fees have been paid), wants to marry this 20-year-old boy instead (illegal) and is willing to break ties with her family. She thinks her life will follow the serials on TV.
Her family will be brutal with her if they find out; for them brotherhood is sacred. Marriage outside the community is taboo. Most importantly they will not trust people like me who only thought about uplifting their family.
This actually makes me wonder if it’s worth the effort I put in to try and help. It confuses their thinking, self-image and displaces them; so am I really helping!
The following are the words of the friend who is forever offering financial help to anyone she thinks, needs it:
Giving, a word that is both magnanimous, yet ever so smug! I began to reflect on what drives people to give. What makes Warren Buffett give away his fortune or an Azim Premji hand over an entire building to his tenants?
One obviously, is the capacity to give i.e. do I have a surplus I can spare? While there is no doubt about the above mentioned, what about the beggar who chooses to share his dry chapati with a stray puppy? Therefore, is it an actual surplus or a perception of surplus or as we’re taught in kindergarten, a willingness to share?
Secondly, what is the internal motivation to give? I choose to give, because I am exceedingly selfish! Sounds quite contrarian, doesn't it? I ask myself, for whom do I give? Is it to help others or is it to feel good about myself? For me the answer is resoundingly, "for myself"! Everything we do, both positive or negative fulfils some need and propels our action in that direction. However, this realization came to me much later in life. Initially I too thought i was being ever so altruistic. Only later did I realize that it was as much for me, as it was for the other person.
Lastly, how much is enough? I have come to believe that this is a journey, just like in kindergarten - first we were reluctant to share the toy, then we learnt the fun of playing together, then we worried if we'd be reprimanded if we took away the toy and eventually we learnt that it was okay to walk away with it for a while. Similarly, today I choose to give, when I want, to whom I want as much as I choose to and in only those situations wherein, I can give, with no expectations whatsoever.
The gentleman who helps his elderly neighbour has shared his opinion on the matter thus:
Giving, for me, is not so much of giving away things as it is about helping people in some form of need. Like helping an old person cross the road or carrying bags up the stairs for someone who may struggle with them or allowing someone who has a genuine reason and need to get ahead in a queue or helping someone in distress when they’re out on the road. It probably harks back to my pre-teen days of being a "Boy Scout" and their motto of doing one good deed a day. I don't expect it to pay me back in some form or let me wear a halo for doing inconsequential deeds. It may be a deep-rooted need for being considered a dependable, decent person or it could be just a trait developed over the years out of people expecting it of me.
Whatever the reasons, I personally do not think too much about it and ideally there should not be a pre-meditated reason for being helpful. I believe, most people are giving only on account of their wanting to do so. There are countless examples of people donating large sums of money or property or their time and effort because they genuinely want to make a difference in someone’s life. They do not seek recognition (which they get in any case) or out a sense of obligation but merely to be able to help a person in need. Giving should be at all times and under every circumstance and not merely when it’s convenient for the giver.
I have had a lot of thoughts on the matter too and now believe that some of the help that giving people offer, doesn’t always help as much as they imagine. If the help that is offered leads to a crippling dependency or encourages the receiver to act in a manner that may be viewed as unfair, the end-result is far from ideal or even positive. Yes, the odd gestures to the passing stranger is not only admirable but, essential to being humane; in my opinion, the givers need to pause and lend a great deal of thought to what the consequences of their act of giving may be. In all probability, all givers and most certainly the three people I have quoted, will continue to help till forever. I hope they can consider including a plan for the receivers to really benefit and grow.
Finally, a word of great appreciation for the people who share their lives with the helpers. Not much thought is given to how most of them happily go along with whatever the serial and chronic helper chooses to do.
