We Disagree, So What?

Not far from where I live, is a set of apartments meant strictly for those whose religion allows them only a certain type of food. No one can bring in even a tiny morsel of food that has as much as a suggestion of the forbidden ingredients. I get why this residential pocket has this strange rule: it’s to guarantee that no one of this sect ever feels offended or uncomfortable, so that at least the place they call home is surrounded only by that which they are accepting of. This is exactly what I have a problem with. Why is it that their beliefs and way of life is okay and to be respected but not anyone else’s? Do the rest of us not measure up to their imagined standards? Are we lesser people?

This is just a small example of an inclination all of us tend to have within us, it is nothing new. We have always been unaccepting of that which we are neither familiar with nor believe in. Settlers and invaders arrived in new territories and if they were strong and powerful, the original residents were marginalised mainly because they lived in a way unfamiliar to the settlers and invaders. The instances of when the lot that arrived and then lived in harmony with the indigenous group, married their two cultures are far less than the overpowering of the milder group. 

This post is not about history or my views on the events in eras gone by. Based on the environment we grow up in or despite of it, we end up imbibing a set of values, beliefs and opinions. With time, it becomes a creed we live by. This could be about our faith, our political views and allegiances or our thoughts and convictions on how the various facets of everyday life must be lived.
Most of us opine on and judge everything and hold in disdain that which doesn’t reflect our way. Something that is as simple as colour schemes and choices made thereof can and does lead to our dismissing people for having poor taste and therefore being lesser than us. 

Today, the world is not just divided but fragmented because of religious or political beliefs and convictions. This is not just globally or on a nationwide scale, it’s happening around us and within our circles. I do not know if it is my limited vision or the fact that I think many of the things that are going on everywhere are fundamentally awful but, I think hate based on diametrically opposite views seems to be on the rise.

I always thought that it is important to respect people’s thoughts and opinions even if they were completely outside of my views and opinions. I have to confess that there are times now, when I find myself failing to do this. Why is it that I think that anyone who doesn’t agree with my opinion on all matters big or small is unacceptable or needs to be shown the light of day? Do I have a set of values and principles or am I showing signs of becoming dogmatic? How about you? Are you able to keep all your opinions aside and respect everyone’s views and choices?

It so happens that there is one or the other song constantly playing in my mind’s ear and right now, there are two that are playing simultaneously. One is about us imagining a world where all the people live in peace and the other, about how the keys of a piano are ebony and ivory and yet together they make such beautiful music. The lyrics are ever so meaningful and relevant to what I am writing but I know that expecting such ideal situations is simply foolish. Can we then conclude that there is nothing to be done and that we will all eventually destroy each other because of opposing and radical views, convictions and beliefs? That, according to me, is not how it has to be.

While most of us do not possess the wherewithal to make any note-worthy difference to the world as a whole; in fact, not even our country, city, town or village. What we can try to do is, make a start by respecting the opinions and beliefs of those whom we live amongst. If we did that, if we make it a point to be accepting of what people around us eat, what they wear, how they live, what they do to keep themselves amused or entertained, whom they worship or vote for – wouldn’t our immediate world be a better place?

If this caught on as a movement, can you imagine the impact? Maybe, just maybe, mankind will end up making perfect harmony like the keys of a piano.

Hit Rock-Bottom? Congratulations!

There comes a point in our lives, when we sink to the lowest of lows, we hit rock-bottom and that, according to me is among the best places to be! Be it a career, relationship, financial, behaviour or conduct related low and its consequent hardship; it’s a blessing, my heartiest congratulations to you!


Far too often, we put up with unfavourable situations in the hope that things will change or that we will become stronger. It could be fear, doubt, delusion or denial that keeps us from acting when things are not quite right. We lie to ourselves as a coping mechanism so often that the lie turns into truth for us. Then it happens, all of a sudden, we are not just sinking but crashing till we reach that torturous pit of agony. We can, should we choose to, remain there and lead a life of misery (secret or otherwise) but that is an unhealthy place to be.

Hitting rock bottom can and frequently does compel us to take a hard look at ourselves and our reality, reassess what we have going for us and then make the best of it. In order that we survive, we find another way – something that we never had the courage to try before or something we never ever imagined we would do. 


When we hit a dead end in our career because we are jobless, or our business has failed; it’s the worst sort of hardship. Apart from feeling utterly incompetent and being in a constant mode of depression and anxiety, the subsequent dip in hard cash and the resultant desperation is well known to all. That’s when we can think of what to do, explore possibilities and discover that other occupation that ends up being the best thing ever. There are scores of stories of people who hit rock bottom, changed tracks in their career and achieved unimagined success.


I know someone who lost his job and try as he might, he just could not get another one. He sunk into the worst sort of depression, the sort that needed medication. Then, one day, he decided that he may as well spend his time gardening, something he loved but had never had time to do while he was chasing that next promotion or increment. His garden grew as he channelled more and more energy and attention towards it. Suddenly, an idea struck him, and he thought of finding a market for his flowers and it worked. Today he has a farm where he grows the most gorgeous flowers and has become a well-known florist. His despair and depression led him to live a fulfilling and successful life doing exactly what he loves to do.


Then there are things we put up with at home with our family. The child who has chosen to go down a self-destructive path, the parent who is too involved in the life of adult children, the spouse who we no longer love or respect, the morally, psychologically, socially unacceptable occurrences within the family that we pretend is okay. We tell ourselves that things will change for the better, pray for strength and a miracle or feel that love and time will turn things around someday or just accept it as a part of life. The facet of our familial life that is wrong keeps hitting lower lows, probably because it is unharnessed, and then, the crash happens, and we are at rock bottom. That is when we muster up the strength and courage to rectify what’s wrong, in a decisive and fruitful way. Rising from rock bottom in the familial scenario involves being cruel to be kind, something that requires strength. The benefit of rectifying what’s wrong: drawing lines for the undisciplined child or the overbearing parent, giving ultimatums to the spouse who is less than fair and kind to us or even walking out, will not only make our lives happier but send a message to the person who is doing something wrong. That may be the rock bottom they hit and eventually rise out of.


I have the privilege of knowing this person, she is to this day illiterate but has, in my eyes, accomplished a lot. She used to live in a city but was married off to a farmer in a rural part of India. The story of her marriage is an ‘unhappily’ ever after one, soon she had two kids and continued her unhappy life because of imagined pressures from society and her family. Then, she hit that breaking point when her husband came home with a second wife. She packed her bags, took her two kids and went right back to the city she grew up in. There, she found herself a job, got her son and daughter into the best school she could afford and proceeded to divorce her husband with the help of an organisation that helps women’s causes. Today, her children are grown up and in good jobs, she lives a happy life in a house she owns. I am sure you will agree that her ex-husband’s second marriage was the best thing that happened to her.


I state with deep conviction that it is better to speak up, wake up or even break away before a situation gets too alarming for words. Rare is the person who is completely oblivious to whatever is wrong in their lives and can tell when there are early signs of impending disaster. Why not take remedial steps then? This is specially recommended if we have faced hardship repeatedly, we can smell trouble from a mile away and should, for our own good, do something about it immediately. It requires strength and conviction, I know; however, bouncing back from devastating hardship requires a whole lot more.


A famous author once said something about everyone being face down in the gutter but some looking up at the stars from the gutter. I would add: Let’s not just look at the stars from the gutter but reach for them.

Rumination #8 Courtesy is Everything

It’s always wonderful when someone knows and practices all the rules of etiquette. In some ways, it is important to know things like which piece of cutlery, crockery and glassware is used for which particular thing. It is certainly important to say things like ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘may I’ and what have you. Following all the rules of etiquette stand for nothing if they are not coupled with courtesy. In my first post, I had said that the spelling of ‘luck’ is h-a-r-d w-o-r-k; similarly, the spelling of courtesy is c-o-n-s-i-d-e-r-a-t-i-o-n and r-e-s-p-e-c-t. In other words, it’s lending thought to the feelings and convenience of people we deal with. It does not take much to do this and counts for more than many would imagine.


At work it entails doing basic things like not breaking into loud conversations in open workspaces, avoiding eating food in the actual place of work, not keeping others waiting for us or our deliverables. There is a common practice among many, people simply do not acknowledge e-mail messages, respond promptly or keep all concerned informed of the status of an ongoing work-related matter. Some people think that it is better to respond when there is something to say, they do not think of how the sender may wonder whether the message has reached at all or whether whatever they wrote about is relevant. Worse still is stalling or maintaining silence at all possible costs, when something is not going to work out or if the answer is a No. Everyone is fully aware of changing circumstances and priorities and being honest with them is a hundred times better than avoiding them or acting in an unexpected manner.


Courtesy is about taking into account all that is convenient for our friends and not just being there for them when it suits us. I have observed that often there is an imbalance in many social relationships, with one friend giving and being there far more than the other friend or friends. The obverse, when one member of the group gets his or her way all the time, is equally prevalent. Maybe, the others in the group or duo are of a milder nature or are scared of losing a friend; it is the job of those getting the advantage to pause and think of the others in the relationship. Reciprocity is essential to being courteous to our friends. When visiting others, whether for a few hours or days, it makes a lot of difference if the guests follow the ways of the household rather than insisting that the hosts bend backwards which is as important as hosts ensuring that the guests’ every comfort is looked into.


We may be observing all of the things I have enlisted above and a great deal more but unless we extend that same courtesy to those at home, we cannot really think of ourselves as courteous. Taking individual likes, inclinations and nature into account is a fundamental part of being considerate with our relatives and I am not sure that this is all that common. Acknowledging the thoughtfulness, generosity, sacrifices of any member of our family and not taking anyone for granted is to me, essential to courtesy. One particular aspect of courtesy that I feel all offspring ought to practice but frequently forget about is, ceasing to act like a child around their parents once they have grown up. There comes a time when children need to become the ones taking care, and I am not referring so much to financial matters as I am to something that falls under the broad category of molly coddling. Parents, or the head of the family often thrust their opinions, dreams, ambitions and aspirations upon the others in the family, especially the younger generation. If an offspring wants to pursue a career that the elders have not planned for them or spend their life with a partner that did not fit into the elders’ dreams for them, it does not follow that it is wrong. Many young lives are secretly wrought with pain, regret and even agony because they relented to their elder’s wishes or strong rules of the house. The courtesy of letting the younger generation be whatever they want to be is one of the greatest gifts we can give to them.


If one is genuinely courteous, then being civil when dealing with strangers follows naturally. Giving way to others while driving, waiting ones turn in queues, being kind to those who serve and a host of other such things, are second nature.

Even though I have mentioned instances of courtesy in the workplace, with our friends, at home and with the world in general, there really is no set of separate rules of courtesy one must follow for any particular environment or situation. If per chance, someone is the epitome of courtesy in the workplace and the workplace alone, the genuineness of it is highly questionable. Being courteous is fundamental to our being thought of as reliable and thereby, popular. I agree that some do mistake courteous people for fools or suckers, but that is their problem.

A final thought: the biggest courtesy we can extend to anyone is being honest with them. At certain times and for certain people, this takes a lot of courage but the arguments that support it are too many to ignore.