Rumination #6 Be Helpful Whenever You Can

Helpfulness comes in various forms and degrees. Some people are given to random acts of kindness, others can always be relied upon to stand by and support their friends and family. There are some who go out of the way to help others in a manner that can only be termed as angelic. I have the great honour of knowing quite a few such angels. To share a few instances of the extraordinary acts of such friends of mine:

Many years ago, a friend took in a young boy from an underprivileged background; she fed him, clothed him, educated him in the same manner that she did her own kids. She hoped to provide him with all the opportunities a bright boy like him deserved. Just to be clear, she did not do this because of any empty spaces in her life.

Another friend voluntarily offers financial help to any of her friends and family whenever she senses the need to do so. One such thing that she did was to decide to give financial help to a friend because she thought it might be a stretch for the lady to worry about the recurring school fees of her child.

There is this gentleman who did everything he possibly could to assist an aged, lonely and almost abandoned neighbour. He never failed to respond to her need, regardless of how busy he was. It is important to mention that with time, all her friends and most of her relatives have stopped keeping in touch with her.  

What do you think happened in each instance? The boy who my friend took in, turned around one day, accused her of thwarting his dreams of becoming a Bollywood dancer and ran away. The one who is still paying the school fees, has been questioning her decision as she has seen the parent in professed need blithely go out and buy the best of clothes, shoes and accessories. The gentleman who helps the neighbour, is constantly plagued by the lady for the most absurd things at any odd hour while she manages to successfully handle all situations with other firmer or less considerate people. As you can well imagine, doubt and bitterness coloured the hearts of these three angels because of these experiences.


I am sure each of you have similar anecdotes about people you personally know, some of you may even be the kind of angels I am referring to. It’s not that those who help are unaware of the dynamics being so skewed, they are. Such people are serial helpers and have faced the most undesirable outcome time and time again. A few get their fingers burnt so many times that they resort to going against their nature and not helping people ever again.


Not every person who receives help is ungrateful. In some relationships, the give and take, is so frequent that it turns into a soul to soul connection. Random acts of kindness and the occasional helping hand are what go around and come back in the form of some blessing from above, they are in any case carried out with no expectations. It is the extraordinary ones that often backfire and hurt or irritate the ones who offer help.


In my opinion, the fault is as much of those who help as it is of those who take ingratitude to its extreme. Maybe they ought to have handled the whole thing differently. Two possible solutions to bring some sort of balance to the dynamics, come to mind. In order to be decent about it, they do not begin by being entirely candid with those whom they help or are too hasty in offering their support. The helpful neighbour could have begun by occasionally letting the lady know when he was busy and told her that he would need some time.


Next, those who help should consider finding ways to help people become self-reliant. The old adage about teaching people to fish is something one must always remember. In all probability those who help, do so because of the environment at home, out of a compelling sense of duty, because of a deep seated and very human need to be thought of as nice or some other wholly justifiable reason. In doing this, they make it a habit to keep doing instead of showing how. A dependency ensues and can at times, feel like a thorn.


Honestly speaking, it can be bothersome to show or teach people how to do something. It is much easier to quickly do something for someone and then get back to one’s own preoccupations, duties and tasks. The skewed dynamics between the helper and recipient begin early on, grow and fester with time. The effort of showing someone is actually far less when measured against the strain and negative feelings that arise out of perpetually helping someone to the point of feeling exasperated or changing from the very core.


My plea to all helpful souls: Don’t ever stop being the angels you are, do consider changing the way you help people.


Postscript: I have had long discussions with the three people mentioned in this post, what they had to say is so thought provoking and motivating that it has inspired me to write another post on helpfulness, a sort of an addendum.