Want it to last? Begin Correctly

All of us have been through situations where the interpersonal dynamics seemed to be going smoothly or even exceedingly well; and then, suddenly, things go horribly wrong and a seemingly perfect aspect of our life turns nightmarish. The question is, did the dream like thing suddenly turn sour or was there something amiss all along. The likelihood of one side not having started correctly, in the seemingly wonderful part of the relationship, is very high.

For example, you have a friend whom you take as sensitive or emotional because life has knocked her/him/them around more than is usual. You decide to give him/her/them lots of latitude, bend over backwards so often that you find yourself striking that pose whenever you are with this friend. I would imagine you even enjoy being so virtuous, giving and perhaps even the consequent dependency the friend has developed towards you. There comes a time when life throws up something that has you focusing only on the personal matter and you just do not have space for anyone or anything else. The dependent, perhaps demanding, friend turns to you but you, for the first time ever, shut the friend out. Not only will the friendship end, the friend is likely to react in the most unpleasant, even childish way and that will be that. I am not sure whether the friend is entirely to blame, since years or even decades you let him/her/them feel as if you are always available and accommodating.

Even in the workplace one frequently tolerates the oppressive or overly demanding behaviour of a superior or a colleague just to be appreciated or for the next promotion or something like that. This continues until we cannot take it anymore and also find that we have not really gained as much as we thought we would. So, we quit or at the very least, start behaving differently and end up being labelled as a trouble monger. I wonder whose fault it really is when this happens, the superior or the colleague never really knew about the reservations or objections we had to certain things, our current protests and refusals are bound to be viewed as sudden rebellion. What if we had voiced our objections or concerns right at the beginning? Why did we put up with the unreasonable demands?

We all have that one (at least) relative who is manipulative, has too many whims and fancies, throws tantrums or is just downright rude and selfish. We endure it, maybe for the sake of our parents, sibling or spouse. Sometimes, this endless relenting leads to exasperation that manifests itself overtly or covertly. In a culture such as ours, it is hard to exercise the choice of distancing ourselves from that annoying relative. I wonder if relenting all the time is the only way to maintain a good relationship with our relatives.

In a romantic relationship, this happens even more. You are attracted to a person and it appears so is she/he/them. It’s not unusual for one or the other person to put up with a couple of things that are unacceptable to them. It’s possible that the one who is tolerating the unacceptable trait or behaviour does this out of an imagined sense of obligation, a craving to have a lover or because of social, familial or peer pressure. It could even be out of a feeling that patience will pay off and that, eventually the partner will change. Years go by but the equation remains the same, the unacceptable behaviour continues and the patience of the one tolerating it wears thin, extremely thin. Eventually, things snap and break, now the world and its brother become aware of the supposed oppression. My take is, it was never an oppression – the person tolerating whatever behaviour or trait didn’t once speak up. He/them she began in a manner which was unsustainable and, had certainly not thought things through.

The key is to begin as we intend to or are capable of continuing. Often, people are nasty with us because we have let them be that way. I think it’s a good idea for each of us to first figure out what our boundaries are, mull over them and be certain of what we genuinely can accept and what we cannot. Once this is done and we remind ourselves that any relationship cannot work on trial and error, the courage to speak up and level with others that matter, will come quite easily to us. All facets of our life can easily swing from ‘let’s see’ to ‘this is how it has to be’.

It is important to mention that there is a percentage of people who do not seem to mind the imbalance in any given relationship. I doubt if they feel hurt or annoyed or reach a breaking point. They are, in some ways, happier than those of us who do. The reason for this is probably, conditioning that leads them to a sort of immunity. There was a time when their plight made me anxious and I felt the urge to ‘awaken’ them; however, over the years I have realised that it bothers only me and if they are truly happy – Amen to that.