All of us have been through situations
where the interpersonal dynamics seemed to be going smoothly or even
exceedingly well; and then, suddenly, things go horribly wrong and a seemingly
perfect aspect of our life turns nightmarish. The question is, did the dream
like thing suddenly turn sour or was there something amiss all along. The
likelihood of one side not having started correctly, in the seemingly wonderful
part of the relationship, is very high.
For example, you have a friend whom you
take as sensitive or emotional because life has knocked her/him/them around
more than is usual. You decide to give him/her/them lots of latitude, bend over
backwards so often that you find yourself striking that pose whenever you are
with this friend. I would imagine you even enjoy being so virtuous, giving and perhaps
even the consequent dependency the friend has developed towards you. There
comes a time when life throws up something that has you focusing only on the
personal matter and you just do not have space for anyone or anything else. The
dependent, perhaps demanding, friend turns to you but you, for the first time
ever, shut the friend out. Not only will the friendship end, the friend is
likely to react in the most unpleasant, even childish way and that will be
that. I am not sure whether the friend is entirely to blame, since years or
even decades you let him/her/them feel as if you are always available and
accommodating.
Even in the workplace one frequently
tolerates the oppressive or overly demanding behaviour of a superior or a colleague
just to be appreciated or for the next promotion or something like that. This
continues until we cannot take it anymore and also find that we have not really
gained as much as we thought we would. So, we quit or at the very least, start
behaving differently and end up being labelled as a trouble monger. I wonder
whose fault it really is when this happens, the superior or the colleague never
really knew about the reservations or objections we had to certain things, our
current protests and refusals are bound to be viewed as sudden rebellion. What
if we had voiced our objections or concerns right at the beginning? Why did we
put up with the unreasonable demands?
We all have that one (at least) relative
who is manipulative, has too many whims and fancies, throws tantrums or is just
downright rude and selfish. We endure it, maybe for the sake of our parents,
sibling or spouse. Sometimes, this endless relenting leads to exasperation that
manifests itself overtly or covertly. In a culture such as ours, it is hard to
exercise the choice of distancing ourselves from that annoying relative. I
wonder if relenting all the time is the only way to maintain a good
relationship with our relatives.
In a romantic relationship, this happens
even more. You are attracted to a person and it appears so is she/he/them. It’s
not unusual for one or the other person to put up with a couple of things that
are unacceptable to them. It’s possible that the one who is tolerating the
unacceptable trait or behaviour does this out of an imagined sense of
obligation, a craving to have a lover or because of social, familial or peer
pressure. It could even be out of a feeling that patience will pay off and
that, eventually the partner will change. Years go by but the equation remains
the same, the unacceptable behaviour continues and the patience of the one
tolerating it wears thin, extremely thin. Eventually, things snap and break,
now the world and its brother become aware of the supposed oppression. My take
is, it was never an oppression – the person tolerating whatever behaviour or
trait didn’t once speak up. He/them she began in a manner which was
unsustainable and, had certainly not thought things through.
The key is to begin as we intend to or are
capable of continuing. Often, people are nasty with us because we have let them
be that way. I think it’s a good idea for each of us to first figure out what
our boundaries are, mull over them and be certain of what we genuinely can
accept and what we cannot. Once this is done and we remind ourselves that any
relationship cannot work on trial and error, the courage to speak up and level
with others that matter, will come quite easily to us. All facets of our life
can easily swing from ‘let’s see’ to ‘this is how it has to be’.
It is important to mention that there is a percentage of people who do not seem to mind the imbalance in any given relationship. I doubt if they feel hurt or annoyed or reach a breaking point. They are, in some ways, happier than those of us who do. The reason for this is probably, conditioning that leads them to a sort of immunity. There was a time when their plight made me anxious and I felt the urge to ‘awaken’ them; however, over the years I have realised that it bothers only me and if they are truly happy – Amen to that.
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