Rumination #3 Embrace Divergence

We are all undeniably, creatures of habit, some of us more than others. From using a particular piece of crockery or cutlery for our everyday meals, opting to sit on the same chair, wearing certain kinds of clothes, visiting certain types of places, to feeling connected to a particular sort of people. We may eventually get over it, but most of us are uncomfortable with or around that which is different. Some of us even go so far as to almost condemn those whose choices in simple things like food and style are not within our self-defined norms. We are prisoners, in a manner of speaking, of our own choices and ways.

While things like having your tea or coffee in the same mug or cup till breakage does you part, is harmless, we do miss out on a great deal when our circle has only certain kind of people and when we find only certain perspectives and behaviours to be acceptable. The most obvious benefit of getting to know different types of people is having a wider circle of friends and acquaintances. Spending time with people who are different widens our horizon and gives us insight into a range of perspectives. Besides, who doesn’t enjoy having the luxury of a choice when we want to have a good time or a range of people to turn to in times of trouble?

Most organisations and businesses work in teams and place much importance on teamwork. Teams are not just about getting along and being in a harmonious environment, they are one facet of the work environment where differences can be enormously advantageous. People with a technical bent of mind are often a little wanting in being expressive or being too social; someone who is analytical may not be too creative and so on and so forth. All such skills come into play in the workplace and most functions need each kind at some time or the other. What if we embrace and cherish different skills and mindsets at work and use the resources on hand? How smart is it when a creative person seeks the input of an analyst when she/he/them needs to present data and facts? If people from marketing and sales turn to manufacturing and production staff to work together towards a common goal, there is the obvious advantage of near absence of interdepartmental friction and possibly, shorter and fewer meetings too. It’s all about not focussing on the difference but embracing it instead to work as a whole.

There are some who are so different that many of us can hardly comprehend what they have to say. They speak in words and phrases that are so esoteric that we doubt whether they themselves fully understand what they just said. What might escape us is the fact that it is because of this different perspective that they come up with unique and sometimes astonishing work. To my experience, people in the creative field are often like this. That amazing photograph of a single fallen leaf or just a drop of water, was the perspective of a creative and different mind. Outstanding works of the arts and literature are the product of viewing things differently. This is not limited to just the arts and literature; we would probably still believe that the earth is flat had someone not been different. All those who have received awards and been celebrated in various fields, have a different approach to their work. Being different and putting that difference to good use leads to success. Often this requires a great deal of courage and inner strength; could that be because the rest of us are repelled by ‘different’?

I feel that the area where differences make the largest impact is in our faith, political views, life choices and value systems. It’s not unusual for us to feel completely put off or even annoyed with someone because they have beliefs and convictions that are not like ours; I am not speaking of extreme views, just different. In my opinion, these things are personal and need to be respected. I don’t know anyone who is ashamed of their faith or life choices or political views or value system. Thus, one can easily assume that each of us want and need to be respected for them; however, when someone has a varying view, opinion or belief – our reaction can be anything between passive rejection and aggressive assertions.

I am pretty sure that I am not saying anything new, in fact, it can be viewed as trite. Scores of thinkers and artists have expressed the very same point of view so many times, that it is impossible to put a number to it. The problem is, we have not changed and have still to display any true intentions of doing so. As I write this piece, the song that’s playing in my head is one by a very famous singer from one of the most popular British bands: we haven’t imagined his message in its entirety yet.

Want it to last? Begin Correctly

All of us have been through situations where the interpersonal dynamics seemed to be going smoothly or even exceedingly well; and then, suddenly, things go horribly wrong and a seemingly perfect aspect of our life turns nightmarish. The question is, did the dream like thing suddenly turn sour or was there something amiss all along. The likelihood of one side not having started correctly, in the seemingly wonderful part of the relationship, is very high.

For example, you have a friend whom you take as sensitive or emotional because life has knocked her/him/them around more than is usual. You decide to give him/her/them lots of latitude, bend over backwards so often that you find yourself striking that pose whenever you are with this friend. I would imagine you even enjoy being so virtuous, giving and perhaps even the consequent dependency the friend has developed towards you. There comes a time when life throws up something that has you focusing only on the personal matter and you just do not have space for anyone or anything else. The dependent, perhaps demanding, friend turns to you but you, for the first time ever, shut the friend out. Not only will the friendship end, the friend is likely to react in the most unpleasant, even childish way and that will be that. I am not sure whether the friend is entirely to blame, since years or even decades you let him/her/them feel as if you are always available and accommodating.

Even in the workplace one frequently tolerates the oppressive or overly demanding behaviour of a superior or a colleague just to be appreciated or for the next promotion or something like that. This continues until we cannot take it anymore and also find that we have not really gained as much as we thought we would. So, we quit or at the very least, start behaving differently and end up being labelled as a trouble monger. I wonder whose fault it really is when this happens, the superior or the colleague never really knew about the reservations or objections we had to certain things, our current protests and refusals are bound to be viewed as sudden rebellion. What if we had voiced our objections or concerns right at the beginning? Why did we put up with the unreasonable demands?

We all have that one (at least) relative who is manipulative, has too many whims and fancies, throws tantrums or is just downright rude and selfish. We endure it, maybe for the sake of our parents, sibling or spouse. Sometimes, this endless relenting leads to exasperation that manifests itself overtly or covertly. In a culture such as ours, it is hard to exercise the choice of distancing ourselves from that annoying relative. I wonder if relenting all the time is the only way to maintain a good relationship with our relatives.

In a romantic relationship, this happens even more. You are attracted to a person and it appears so is she/he/them. It’s not unusual for one or the other person to put up with a couple of things that are unacceptable to them. It’s possible that the one who is tolerating the unacceptable trait or behaviour does this out of an imagined sense of obligation, a craving to have a lover or because of social, familial or peer pressure. It could even be out of a feeling that patience will pay off and that, eventually the partner will change. Years go by but the equation remains the same, the unacceptable behaviour continues and the patience of the one tolerating it wears thin, extremely thin. Eventually, things snap and break, now the world and its brother become aware of the supposed oppression. My take is, it was never an oppression – the person tolerating whatever behaviour or trait didn’t once speak up. He/them she began in a manner which was unsustainable and, had certainly not thought things through.

The key is to begin as we intend to or are capable of continuing. Often, people are nasty with us because we have let them be that way. I think it’s a good idea for each of us to first figure out what our boundaries are, mull over them and be certain of what we genuinely can accept and what we cannot. Once this is done and we remind ourselves that any relationship cannot work on trial and error, the courage to speak up and level with others that matter, will come quite easily to us. All facets of our life can easily swing from ‘let’s see’ to ‘this is how it has to be’.

It is important to mention that there is a percentage of people who do not seem to mind the imbalance in any given relationship. I doubt if they feel hurt or annoyed or reach a breaking point. They are, in some ways, happier than those of us who do. The reason for this is probably, conditioning that leads them to a sort of immunity. There was a time when their plight made me anxious and I felt the urge to ‘awaken’ them; however, over the years I have realised that it bothers only me and if they are truly happy – Amen to that.

Want Lasting Relatioships? Be Candid!

We judge people’s response to us, based on our own expectations and imagined set of norms. A simple example of this is someone hugging us as a form of greeting: speaking for myself, that’s not a comfortable situation for me, I need space, am not a touchy-feely person and then there are aromas! Several of my friends and family are given to hugging as a form of greeting. To them, hugging is a simple and natural way of displaying affection. This of course, is a mere example, and in the larger picture, a hug or its absence doesn’t really mean much in casual encounters.


Let’s take it a step further; let’s look at people who use minimal words and actions to express themselves or respond. We go to such a person and ask them what they think of xyz, they tell us it’s ‘okay’; we end up thinking it’s only passable and rework the whole thing or even discard ‘xyz’ or it’s idea. The truth is, the minimalist means ‘wow’ when he says it’s ‘okay’ but our expectations and our own standards mislead us. The magnitude of the harm done in such miscommunication can vary and sooner or later either we or the minimalist, learns a lesson. Not to mention, there are also those who can be misunderstood because of their exuberant superlative adjectives or exceedingly polite words.


When we meet people and get to know them, we start thinking of them as friendly, nice, cool, unpleasant or even disgusting. Impressions are formed and judgments and opinions are made. We all have a clear idea of what exactly being friendly is. Anything less is categorised as cold and anything more is taken as too familiar. 


There is a parable I read years ago, I cannot for the life of me remember what it was called or who wrote it. It’s about a girl with gorgeous golden hair who went to the top of a hill. There she found a single tree with the most fabulous blue flowers, and a solitary goat. Not being familiar with goats, the girl could only figure out that the animal was a herbivore; she wanted to befriend it. Now it so happens that the goat too had never seen a girl before, living as he did on the top of a remote hill and he too wanted to be friends with the beautiful creature with the bedazzling hair. The girl plucked a flower and gave it to the goat as a gesture of friendship; the goat being a goat, ate the flower up! The girl with the golden hair, walked away hurt and wondering why the goat decided to eat up her gift of friendship. The goat too spent forever wondering why the girl walked away and never became friends with him.


We find ourselves being the girl with the golden hair or the goat, in all spheres of life. In the workplace, we may have a colleague who is perpetually telling us what to do, his intention being the sharing of his knowledge. Unaware of this, we are likely to be offended or annoyed by the interference and lack of trust in our ability and this will surely lead to an unpleasant or unfriendly attitude towards the colleague, who in turn will take us to be hostile. The absence of candor harms most relationships or limits their growth, the bonds are never as strong as they can be unless we are honest and always speak up.

 We meet someone and initially, it’s clear that we have taken to each other. Then, one of us reaches out at regular and frequent intervals while the other is more restrained. The probability of the one who is restrained thinking the new friend is coming on too strong and the other person feeling that the new friend doesn’t really want  to be friends, is all too high. 

I feel the greatest damage takes place when this sort of thing occurs in a supposedly romantic relationship. Take the case of a guy and a girl who knew each other for a while and had recently developed an interest in each other that went beyond friendship. He catches the flu and tells her about it; she tells him to have lots of chicken soup and go to the doctor if it persists. She is the sort who likes to be left alone when she is unwell and doesn’t even call the ‘could be boyfriend; or send him text messages as she doesn’t want to disturb him. As for the guy, he can’t believe he was falling for a girl who is so selfish that she doesn’t even care that he is unwell. Need I tell you how far the budding romance went?


These sorts of situations are inevitable and that is a pity. The good news is that there is a way around it. All we need to do is express ourselves a bit more, use the right tone and words. More importantly, we need to always bear in mind the possibility of others being, thinking and valuing things from a perspective that’s entirely different from ours. If the girl with the golden hair had told the goat that the flower was a symbol of friendship or the goat had asked – things would have ended on a much happier note.